The New Normal... (and more of a glimpse into my thoughts than you might want to know)

I wrote all this two weeks ago, but got interrupted before I could post it.  Then life got busy, and I either forgot or didn't have time to reread the whole thing for typos.  I found the time this morning!  Yea me!! :)


Life has finally calmed down a bit.  At least as much as can be expected.  All the extra people staying here have left and it's just us again.  I haven't had to run a house or be the only caretaker of the kids in so long, it's a bit of an adjustment.  Although, at the same time, the last time I was on my own with just the family I also had to deal with the new Mark, and he was a handful.  In a way this is much easier.  Less doctors/therapy appointments, less drama with meds, less worrying about how/what Mark was doing if he wasn't nearby, less feeling bad that I wan't doing very well with keeping him working on his therapy.  More time at home, more energy to devote to the kids, more consistency.

For all the extra drama that Mark's tumor caused, he was still helpful in his own way.  He still took out the trash (if I reminded him), he still cooked quite a bit (although the end result was going downhill towards the end), he was still willing to listen to me when I needed to talk (although his ability to respond intelligently was becoming less frequent - and I needed more patience to wait for the response), he still cared about how the kids were doing (although I often had to point out both the good and the bad about what was going on in their lives), he was willing to help unload groceries from the car (even if it took him a rather long time).  It will be more of an adjustment to get used to doing those things on my own (mostly the trash part - I haven't taken out the trash in years!) :)

I will always be grateful for those last few months I had with him.  Mark had been given blessings that gave us hope.  It was that hope that allowed me to enjoy him despite the fact that the man I married never made it out of the operating room (and in fact had been disappearing for some months previous to the surgery - although I didn't recognize at the time that that was the problem).  Even a week after surgery, while recalling one particular blessing, I said then that even if none of the specifics came to pass, the blessing has already been fulfilled.  I was able to face the cancer with calmness and rather than worry about what might/might not happen in the future, I was able to enjoy the present.  I was able to let go of things that I had no control over anyway - the cancer - and control the only thing I really had any control over in the first place - my attitude.  Before the blessing I had been worried and stressed and unable to see straight through the devastation.  After the blessing I was able to put much of my worry into the Lord's hands and let him take over my life.

I've always heard of people doing that but, to tell you the truth, it never made sense to me (in fact it wasn't until I typed that out right now that I actually made the connection).  Being married to Mark helped me understand that.  There were parts of life that were just stressful to me to be in charge of.  Mark allowed me to hand those things over to him.  That didn't mean I stopped working on it, but Mark was willing to be responsible, which meant I didn't have to be, and that made a huge difference to my ability to enjoy those stressful tasks - and oddly enough, my ability to do them.  I was able to do much the same thing with the Lord and Mark's cancer.  I put the Lord in charge and that left me able to do my part without being responsible for the outcome.

When I was trying to take responsibility for the tumor, life was stressful - especially since there is really nothing that I could have done about it.  Once I let the Lord be responsible for that part, while still doing all I could, I was able to spend my time with Mark enjoying the new Mark, rather than spending time researching all of the things I should be doing to help him.  I did what the doctors recommended, and brought up concerns and asked a million questions, but at the end of the day, I was able to just follow the doctors' advice and enjoy life.  I have no idea if we could have done anything differently to save Mark, and honestly I don't want to know.  I have no regrets.  I made the best of a shitty crappy situation and that's all that really matters to me.  It's possible that there exists something out there that might have kept him around a bit longer, but if it would have cost me my ability to enjoy these last few months, then it would not have been worth it (and Mark would have agreed - in fact at one point I asked him if he wanted me to look into other treatment options, but it might involve moving to another state.  He said no.  The kids needed stability.  I even laid it out plain and simple (his brain worked better in plain and simple at that point).  He was choosing to stay in UT and die, rather than move out of state and maybe live.  His response: 'Yes. I am choosing to stay in UT and die').  I am glad we spent our time enjoying each other.  In the end our focus was quality of life, not quantity, and for us, that was the right choice.

I am grateful for the opportunity I had to say goodbye.  I know everyone doesn't get that chance and I feel so blessed to have been able to have that time.  It was a hard goodbye, and it took me many months to be able to say it, but those last few months were so hard on me - physically, mentally, emotionally - that by the time the end came, I was ready.  Perhaps more ready than most.  While there was still a little bit of the old Mark to enjoy, it was becoming less and less visible, but the work involved with caring for him was becoming more and more daunting.  I was willing to do anything, and I mean anything, for him - he was worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat - but I confess to being somewhat grateful that I no longer need to worry about him in this life.  If I could have kept the man I married, I would have been the happiest person on the planet (before the tumor we often remarked on how much happier we were than we could even imagine other couples being - we hoped, for their sake, but it was hard to imagine others being happier than (or even as happy as) we were) I even would have been willing to keep the 'new Mark', but it would have been a hard life.  A very hard life.  Once it became obvious that the man I married - or even any version of him - was no longer able to be a part of our lives, his death was a blessing, and I'm grateful it came relatively quickly.


---This part I added today.

Our new life will also be hard, but I see more hope now than I was able to before.  I probably have less energy overall at the moment, but I have been able to give so much more of that energy to the kids and the house than I have been able to in a long time - it feels like I have more energy, even though I'm often tired during the day.  I actually play with the kids again!  I've cooked more in the last week or two than I have in the last 5 months.  I've put more effort into keeping the house picked up than I have in a long time too (there's quite a few disaster areas from re-organizing the house, and Mark's stuff hasn't been dealt with yet, but I have done better at keeping the frequently used areas tidied - that's a plus!).  I've decided to just enjoy the kids, have fun watching the olympics, not feel bad that I often need naps (I am still recovering from having a baby after all...), and put off worrying about the 'disaster areas' of the house until I either find the energy, or they drive me nuts! (I would say 'which ever comes first', but lets be honest - it will be which ever comes last... :) )

We are moving on, one day/week at a time.  Although I find myself able to lift my head a bit and look to the future, which I didn't notice I was missing until I did it, and the future holds hope! (and fears, of course, but lets just focus on the hope for now!)