If this is what strength is for...

I was watching Nicholas Nickleby the other day.  It popped up on Netflix's recommended watching list after I finished Great Expectations.  (I do not pay for Netflix - it's not in the budget.  My mom bought an account that lets 4 people stream it, and she let me be one of them - I mostly ignored it until recently when I finished the book series I was reading, and didn't have the brain power to find something else useful to do with my limited energy - so far I've watched Scarlet Pimpernel, Great Expectations and Nicholas Nickleby.  There's a theme there, I'm sure...)  I had never heard of Nicholas Nickleby before, but according to Mark it's a novel also by Charles Dickens.  I guess I could look that up, but I've sort-of learned to take his knowledge of trivia like that for granted.  He has always been right in the past...

I just looked it up and discovered two things.  One, Mark was right.  Two, I spelled it wrong, so I fixed it.

One of the lines in that movie has been stuck with me for a few days now.  'If this is what strength is for, I don't want to be strong.' (or something very much like that)

Background:

I found a support group for caretakers of people with cancer.  A few months ago I was having a particularly hard time and went to a once a month meeting for a Women's Cancer Survivor support group in Provo on a whim.  I realize that I don't actually fit in with that group - since I'm not the one with cancer (although I feel closer than most spouses of cancer patients because it was in his brain and greatly affected his mental abilities, and for a long time I was carrying more of the burden of his cancer than he was), but they welcomed me anyway.

The first meeting was all about dealing with stress while your body was trying to heal from cancer.  Not overly applicable to me, but who can't use a refresher on how to deal with stress?  The social worker there offered me a flyer of other support group options if I chose to take them, and apparently I was so far gone emotionally that she also pointed me to a mental health office nearby that I could take advantage of.  Did I mention that it had been a hard week?  I broke down just talking about my favorite part of summer...  It was embarrassing.  :) (to be fair, it had not been my best summer ever).  Normally, I consider myself doing rather well, all things considered - but that particular evening was not one of those 'doing rather well' moments.

Anyways...

On the flyer of other options was one for caregivers of cancer patients, but it was far away, and on the same night and time as Mark class, so I didn't really consider it an option.  Then came another hard few days, and I looked into it a bit more closely.  It turned out that the meeting location was almost literally across the street from where Mark went to school, and at almost the same time, and this one met every week.  I could carpool with Mark, he could go to class and I could go to this new group!  I figured it was worth one trip up just to see what it was like.

I've been going ever since.

The two groups are rather different.  The once a month one in Provo is more like a fireside.  We get to introduce ourselves and then they have a presentation of some sort with refreshments and mingling afterwards.  I have gone to both of those that have come up so far.  The next one - this week - is about nutrition and eating well with cancer.  I'm not sure that's relevant to me, so I'll probably skip it.

The one up in Murray is more like group therapy.  There is no set subject, and every one just talks the whole time - not at the same time, that would be chaotic - but there's a lot of back and forth and chatting about life and challenges and good things and hard things.  The social worker just monitors the discussion and throws in a few words or questions here and there, basically keeps things moving and makes sure we stay on topic.

I find both types to be good.  There is something nice about being able to just sit without the pressure of having to keep it together while talking about yourself and your challenges, but it's also nice to be able to talk about those challenges and see other people's struggles and realize that even though it seems as if there is no one else dealing with anything like this, there are other people who have been there and are there right now, or who were there a while ago and are now nearing the final stages of this particular struggle with their loved one.  For me, there's also something about just talking about issues that makes them no longer consume so much of my attention and energy (writing also helps me with that - which is partly why most of my blog posts are sssoooo long)

So, after that super long lead up to the point (I'm a female, what can I say :) )...

Last week there were three of us in the room, and the two other people there commented on how strong I was (personally, I didn't really believe them at the time, and still don't really.  I'm not convinced that anyone else in my shoes would do any differently).  But it did make that line from Nicholas Nickleby stand out.

If this is what strength is for, I don't want to be strong.